The Clickable Clit: Misadventures on OkCupid

I am determined to have good cybersex. I’m a big believer that sex online is a valid and important form of sexual expression — but sometimes that’s hard to get across when I’m griping about the silly things people say in the throes of internet passion. It’s gotten to the point where I’ve considered setting up some sort of “fuck me” marathon: potential partners get half an hour to impress me. If they do, I’ll stick around and see things to their logical conclusion. If not, gong! It’s not that good partners don’t exist, it’s just that I’m too impatient to sift for them.

Like yesterday, I signed onto OkCupid in search of some cyber tail, just to set my cynicism straight. Right away I had a message from my sexy nurse, the one who’d been so fun to play with last time. Unfortunately, things turned unintentionally hilarious way too quick. In my main OkCupid picture, I happen to be holding a little, pink stuffed hippo. So this guy starts going off on how hot he thinks the photo is, and how turned on he is by what he calls “that little pig.” I should have let it go, but I couldn’t help myself:

Sexy nurse: I just get so hard looking at you and that little pig. Bonnie: You're turned on by the pig? Sexy nurse: Pigs are forbidden. Bonnie: They are? Sexy nurse: If you’re Jewish or Muslim.

Then I LoLed. Oh, how I LoLed. Because there is no one in the world who can keep up the sexiness of an online chat using pork and keeping Kosher as material. A friend of mine recently suggested I start writing about the humorous things people say during cybersex. I thought, “Do you read my column?”

After I wrote about Ashley Madison for my Click Me this week, my editor asked me whether I’d had any interesting encounters on the adultery site that would make an enlightening column — or at least an entertaining one. Had married men solicited me? How had they courted me so as to convince me to help them cheat on their wives? Though I’d spent some time on the site, enough to get contact and feel bad about costing San Franciscans money, I hadn’t done much by way of flirting, so I headed back there today to see what happened if I acted a little less business and a little more party.

What I discovered: I still feel bad. Not because I’m costing anyone money, but because I’m leading men on with no intention of actually sleeping with them. Ashley Madison isn’t OkCupid, so you can’t just check out people’s profiles and expect them to message you. That means I have to directly send “winks” at potential adulterers who’d start up a pay-per chat with me, try to convince me to join in their affairs, then I can write about it. Great material maybe, but there’s something about that’s just so deceptive about it. Sure, I’ve been faking cybersex ecstasy for years in the name of research, but this is different. Or something.

It bothers me in general that people on Ashley Madison are lying to someone, even when it isn’t me. So I’d hate to continue the loop of hypocrisy. Then again, if I sit around on the site and hope someone hits on me, am I really doing any better? I guess the ideal would be if someone messaged me, insisted on meeting me despite the fact that I’m a researcher, and then: tada, story! Anyone want to play that part?

Updates from the land of my potential cybersex partners:

- I got the following message from a user on Beautiful Stranger the other day: "Will u please cyber me on yahoo messenger?" While it makes me cringe, it also makes me giggle, because it implies cybersex is something you do to someone else, like giving head or possibly a massage — which, it should be noted, it isn’t. Sorry, buddy. When I open a cybersex parlor, I’ll let you know.

- A cute British boy has been cybersex propositioning me on OkCupid. True, I can’t hear his sexy accent over text chat, but I’d know it was there. We haven’t found an opportunity to hook up yet (eight hours time difference will do that) but I’m looking forward to this one being just for me: no faking, no recording, just enjoying.

- Apparently I can’t bring myself to jump this real-life boy I’m dating (no, he’s not a cybersex partner, but I did meet him online) without the help of alcohol. We went on one date, had too much to drink, and promptly made out in an alley. I’ve seen him twice since, both times in the light of day, and absolutely nothing has happened. I’m talking no touching, no kissing, nothing. Most likely I’m sending immensely mixed signals. I do like him –and think he’s pretty— it just takes me a little while to get comfy. Actually, after our last date, I wrote him an email explaining all that, since I’m too chicken to do it in person. What I forgot was the internet was out in his apartment. Now I get to sit around and see if/when he gets the message. Ah, the awkward suspense of the World Wide Web.

To reach the Clickable Clit, write to bonnie [at] heroine-sheik [dot] com, or follow her exploits throughout the week at her cybersex blog, Cybersexy.