The Name is Nino. El Nino.

It has come to SF Weekly's attention, through sources we do not wish to reveal, that James Bond, United Artists, Ian Fleming, Sean Connery, George Lazenby, Roger Moore, Timothy Dalton, and Pierce Brosnan have joined in a conspiracy against the people of the United States, the Philippines, China, Brazil, and Peru, to wreak havoc of unconscionable magnitude for decades to come. These sources tell us that, since 1963, every year that there has been an El Nino "event," a James Bond movie has also been released.

This should come as no surprise. A careful reading of cutting-edge paranoid literature shows Bond et al. to have long conspired against the American people. For example, James Bond series author Ian Fleming worked closely with Kennedy assassination mastermind Clay Shaw, and Bond himself "is a real person that [sic] lives in Philadelphia and is very close to the Cummins Catherwood family," notes paranoid investigator John Judge in the classic The Fourth Reich in America (1989, Flatland Press, Mendocino).

Then again, British double agent Kim Philby revealed during a Soviet de-briefing that Cummins Catherwood laundered money for the CIA, according to William E. Kelly's The Mystery of Goldeneye: James Bond & Ian eFleming. The Men & The Myth. (1995, WWW Mall).

SF Weekly's own investigations show that a certain Cummins Catherwood is executive vice president of the $500 million Philadelphia brokerage firm of Rutherford, Brown & Catherwood. Like all U.S. investment firms, this one was involved in the recent, mysterious crash of international financial markets.

And we shan't even bother mentioning the unexplained conversations between Bond-movie associate producer Barbara Broccoli and Princess Di boyfriend Dodi Fayed just days before the two lovers met their tragic death. "They intertwine, you know, they lock together, and their histories coincide," explains Judge. "They send each other books and messages. They know each other. They get each other jobs."

And, SF Weekly has learned, they manipulate global weather patterns.

1963
James Bond Movie: From Russia With Love
Evil SPECTRE (Special Executive of Counterintelligence, Terrorism, Revenge, Extortion), led by diabolical Ernst Stavro Blofeld, plots to obtain a Russian encryption/decoding device known as Lektor. In the wrong hands, the device could wreak havoc on the encrypted communications used in international diplomacy, finance, and commerce, thus forcing the world to bow to SPECTRE's evil dominion.

Britain puts its faith in James Bond, who indeed saves the world.

El Nino Havoc
A periodic warming of the coastal Pacific Ocean is accompanied by air pressure deviations between the East and West Pacific. Droughts, floods, and cyclones ensue, resulting in incalculable financial and social devastation. A January storm observed on the Sarawak coast of Kuala Lumpur is the worst in 50 years. The crew of a North Korean fishing vessel beset by a severe storm gathers in the captain's cabin and chants portions of the biography of great leader Kim Il Sung. Their invocations save them, according to North Korean Communist Party legend.

1965
James Bond Movie: Thunderball
Emilio Largo, director of SPECTRE's field organization, plots to steal two NATO atomic weapons and use them against cities in the West unless the superpowers pay $100 million. SPECTRE could propagate nuclear technology until every tin-pot nation is able to make bombs in its own back yard. Bond ingeniously foils the plot. The Western world celebrates.

El Nino Havoc
The killer drought of 1965-66 ravages Eastern Asia, condemning millions of rice farmers to famine. Analysts fear that starvation will lead to political chaos. A flood of the South Platte River in Colorado is the worst in recorded history. Debris-clogged flood water roils north through Denver, ripping out bridges, destroying buildings, drowning animals, and forcing the evacuation of hundreds of residents. At least six people are killed in Denver alone. A record-breaking storm in Carroll County, Md., forces the closure of Route 30. Desperate dairy farmers open the road with tractors. Local accolades continue to present.

1969
James Bond Movie: On Her Majesty's Secret Service
SPECTRE's Blofeld plots to launch biological warfare on the world. The possible result: famine, disease, chaos.

El Nino Havoc
Warm water from El Nino disrupts South American fishing, damaging food supplies and ruining economies. The New York Stock Exchange closes due to a blizzard, disrupting finance. Hurricane Camille is among 12 of 18 tropical storms to reach hurricane strength that year, a 20th-century record. Camille, described as this century's worst hurricane, devastates the Mississippi Gulf Coast, killing more than 200 people, damaging food supplies, homes, businesses, infrastructure, and regional economies.

1973
James Bond Movie: Live and Let Die
A Caribbean strongman plots to supply the United States with free shipments of the illegal narcotic heroin. Americans would become junkies, dependent on him for survival. America's economy, social fabric, and way of life would be jeopardized. In their anesthetized bliss, Americans would ignore their country's demise.